The other day, my partner took our daughter for some fast food. At the drive-thru window, the cashier asked if he wanted the girl toy or the boy toy. From the back, she answered “girl toy.”
This is what showed up in her meal.
When she opened it, she said “thank goodness I got the girl toy.”
This was a good laugh for us, and so much proof about the lie of what is associated with gender. In preschool, she knows she is one of the girls and she regularly works to separate the class by gender. This is actually one of my greatest struggles in teaching her, breaking the outside view of gender. It is everywhere.
I once learned in a child development class that young kids build boxes of information. When they experience something new, and it doesn’t obviously fit into a box, without the guidance to create a new box, they instead fit it into the one’s they’ve already designed. I have found this with her. We have people in our lives who identify as transgender, gender-queer, non-binary. She has created a box for each of these individuals, but so far these boxes sit separately from her boxes on gender. She is unintentionally “othering” these folks because she has no other way to do it. I regularly talk with her about gender and when she mentions “boys and girls”, I offer additional options. But I see her really struggling, as not many others around her offer alternatives because we are all socialized to see the world split in two.
We were once in an airport and she had to go to the bathroom. She wanted my partner to take her, but I explained that I had to. There was no family restroom and she is getting too big to go into the men’s room. She kept asking why, and I explained to her that there are bathrooms in many places that are meant for boys and girls and that since she and I are both cisgender girls, we had to go together. Sitting on the toilet, she looked at me and asked about one of our gender-queer friends. “Which bathroom do they use?” she asked me. I told her what a great question that was and that when there are only two choices, people have to pick. Even though both of the options are not their choice.
Bathrooms, toys, television, clothes, friends, schools, shoes, even fast food meal toys. It’s all one or the other, no in-between. It’s nearly impossible to fight this. I am trying and I won’t stop trying. And I admit that I too am far from perfect.
A few days back, I gave a gendered pronoun to our soon to be second kid. In the middle of playing, without looking at me, I heard her say “Mommy, we don’t know if it’s a boy yet. It just has boy parts.”
2 thoughts on “Gendered toys”
“Mommy, we don’t know if it’s a boy yet. It just has boy parts.”
Wow that is amazing. I’ll say as a… “thoughtful”? cisgender guy that as much as I try to learn and stay on top of all things “gender” I find it to be pretty difficult. Not in terms of accepting others for who they are but more in terms of getting various terms right and fighting my immediate instinct when seeing someone new and assuming they’re [this] or [that] and putting them into my own boxes which I guess is human nature/survivor instinct blah blah blah But everyday you try and do a little bit better right?
But yeah, I think the next logical step with my own kids is perhaps the one you had with yours in terms of bathrooms and more specifically (I think) gender identification. Thankfully I think we’ve had a lot of fruitful discussions where this conversation would be the next logical step w/ them (and not twelve steps down the line) and this post was a good reminder of that!
Thanks Ken! I commiserate as I am finding this to be the hardest thing to teach and establish. And I know it’s from my own blinders of not seeing it all the time. Because it’s everywhere! Thanks for reading!