Hannah’s Birth Story

Going into my first pregnancy, I thought I was doing all the “right things” to prepare for the birth I wanted. I read all the books and took a hospital childbirth class, so of course I was prepared, right? When planning for pregnancy and birth, I simply followed the mainstream checklist of what you should do, unaware of all the options I truly had.

My pregnancy was rough and I spent the majority of the 40 weeks vomiting but still somehow managing to gain sixty pounds. The only other “complication” was that I developed gestational thrombocytopenia (low platelet count) and there was potential that I would risk out of being able to get an epidural. As the end of pregnancy approached, I was so happy to finally meet my baby, not knowing that birth and postpartum would shatter my entire being and make way for a rebirth I never saw coming.

My plan was to birth unmedicated and at the time, I felt more prepared than ever. It wasn’t until five weeks postpartum from a traumatic cesarean, drowning in breastmilk and feelings of failure, that I realized how unprepared I truly was. To put it simply, I was naive. The notion that I could end up with a cesarean never even crossed my mind because I thought, “That only happens in emergencies which only happen to people with unhealthy or complicated pregnancies”. I’m pretty sure I glossed over that entire section on cesarean in my birth education book.

When labor began, I pretty much panicked. My contractions started out extremely intense and were only 5-7 minutes apart. That was not the gradual build-up of intensity I had heard about from so many women. I was immediately tense, anxious, and overwhelmed. As soon as I got to the hospital and got the green light for my platelet levels, I asked for an epidural. I was disappointed that I gave in so quickly but the disappointment faded as my body relaxed and I was able to rest.

After four hours of pushing with an epidural so strong I couldn’t even feel the urge to push, I opted for a cesarean. I honestly felt like I had been slapped in the face. I was speechless and trying to hold myself together while my husband just went with the flow and my mom cried and kissed my forehead. I had no idea what my body and mind were about to go through.

Surgery started and immediately I felt more than “just some pressure”. I was in full-blown pain. I began crying and told Scott (my husband) that it really hurt. The anesthesiologist gave me additional medication to help the pain. Whatever it was, I began to doze off and the next thing I remember was Scott saying, “Babe it’s a boy!”. I don’t remember my son’s (Hudson) first cry or meeting him for the first time. I spent the next few hours in the recovery room, hypotensive and on the verge of passing out from postpartum hemorrhage. I was unable to hold Hudson but Scott helped him latch and feed while the nurses worked to stabilize me.

During the transfer from antepartum to postpartum, Scott had gone back home for a break. It was just me, Hudson, and my dad at the hospital. We were wheeled to our postpartum room and I had to be switched between beds. This is a moment I remember more vividly than any other. I was laying on my back, looking up at the ceiling as they began to move me. Counting to three, they slid me over from one bed to another. It felt like my entire abdomen was being ripped open. I let out a scream I never want to hear myself make again. As tears poured down my face and I tried to catch my breath, I noticed my dad out of the corner of my eye, facing away from me, hand on Hudson’s bassinet, wiping away his own tears. I had never felt so scared and out of control in my entire life. It was at that moment I knew, I could never go through this again.

Early in my postpartum stage, I began researching and trying to figure out what went wrong. What I did wrong because it was obviously my fault, right? I felt that my body failed me and my baby. Soon, I realized I hadn’t done anything wrong. I made the best decisions I could with the information I had at the time, but I didn’t know what I didn’t know. This process helped me plan for a vaginal birth after cesarean (VBAC) and start the journey to become a childbirth educator. By doing this I hoped that I could create a birth course that truly gave people information about all of their choices when it comes to pregnancy, birth, and postpartum.

My second pregnancy and birth experience was drastically different, physically and mentally, compared to my first. I was still extremely sick and again had gestational thrombocytopenia but I gained much less weight and felt better overall. I spent over a year preparing, I hired a doula, and I began to heal from the trauma of my first birth. I knew it would be necessary to forgive myself and be at peace with my cesarean before I could fully surrender to birth again.

I woke up at 40+2 with heavy bleeding. Heavier than I was comfortable with. After talking to my husband, doula, and OB, I decided to head to the hospital for monitoring. Upon arrival, I was 3cm dilated and having irregular, unnoticeable contractions. My OB wanted to see if the bleeding was caused by a placental abruption or a more intense bloody show. Baby and I were both in stable condition and the bleeding eventually stopped. We had planned to return home because I wanted to labor there as long as possible, but I had already dilated another centimeter and my contractions started to become more regular, so we chose to stay.

Once admitted, I got my first round of IV antibiotics since I was positive for Group B Strep. My contractions quickly grew in intensity and frequency and my water broke as I dilated to 5cm. While I was still in the right mindset, I sent a quick text to my doula, telling her to head to the hospital. At this point, I felt that I had to go to the bathroom. Laboring on the toilet felt like the most natural position to be in and after 45 minutes it was clear that I was in transition. I began shaking and sweating as Scott massaged my shoulders and used a wet washcloth to cool me down. Out of breath, I told him I wanted an epidural. He knew how badly I wanted to stay unmedicated and encouraged me to wait for Julie to arrive for support.

Julie walked into the bathroom and I immediately told her I needed an epidural. Thankfully, she suggested a position change instead. I moved to the shower and hung onto Scott’s neck as Julie sprayed warm water onto my back. I felt the need to bear down as my body instinctively pushed. I wanted to make sure I was complete but I had a slight anterior cervical lip. Julie suggested I go to the bed and get on my hands and knees to help. Still pushing, I positioned myself on hands and knees, holding onto the incline of the bed. It was a relief to be able to rest my head between contractions. Ten minutes and a few contractions passed and Julie asked if I would feel comfortable moving to the squat bar. In my head, I thought she was crazy. There was no way I could support my body in a squat but with help from Scott, Julie, and our nurse, I repositioned and it was the best decision I made.

After five more intense minutes, our daughter was born, just under five hours from the first contraction I felt. She came down and through the birth canal so quickly, there was no time for head molding. Her head was perfectly round. Every bit of pressure and discomfort I felt disappeared as I pulled her to my chest, tears of pure bliss streaming down my face. I freaking did it. I had the unmedicated VBAC I so badly wanted and it was the most rewarding and beautiful thing I had ever done.

After the pregnancy and birth experience I had and the relationship I developed with Julie, I knew I had to become a doula too. There was no question in my mind about it. So now, not only can I help educate women on their options in pregnancy, birth, and postpartum, but I can also help support them as a doula during that process.

Many people may be shocked to hear that I am thankful for the way both of my births unfolded. Although extremely difficult, my first birth brought my son and a learning experience about taking charge of my health choices. My second birth brought me my daughter and helped me find the strength and power I have as a woman and a mother. Both experiences together lit a fire for a passion inside of me that I never knew existed. 

Hannah Gill (she/her) is a VBAC mom of two, birth and postpartum doula, birth educator, and owner of Ebb and Flow Birth Co. She has a passion for helping support women through cesarean and VBAC births and throughout the postpartum period. She believes women deserve to be respected and supported in their pregnancy, birth, and parenting choices. You can find out more about Hannah and her services at www.ebbandflowbirthco.com

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*Plus check out her FREE guide at https://www.ebbandflowbirthco.com/riskguide