Not Every Pregnancy Includes a Birth Journey: How To Insure Your Birth is Everything You Hope For
Close your eyes and envision the perfect birth. Many, when asked this question, think about the amazing and gorgeous vision of a birth “journey.” This might include music, dim lights or candles, meditations, swaying, being in water, being at home…and you may see the joyous moment that your baby comes earthside perfectly pink and cute and you fill with love and tears and ecstasy. This is an amazing vision. It’s beautiful. It makes us feel good and successful at doing “what nature intended for us to do.”
For some, they need exactly this. But for so many others, like me, and maybe you, it just doesn’t fit. And I actually think that holding onto this vision hurts birthing people like you - keeping you from the birth that meets your needs and wants. So I say skip the idea of a birth “journey” and instead, find your birth reality.
With my first pregnancy, I envisioned all of the above. I bought Birthing from Within and read everything by Ina May Gaskin. I studied the baby’s growth and subscribed to The Bump so I knew what fruit or vegetable we were at every week. I journaled, held ice cubes, soaked my feet, made a belly cast, and filled up my birth bag to the brim with candles, two specially curated music lists (one for partying and one for calm), my own sheets, slipper socks, my first meal, cute baby clothes, a journal, and every other suggestion on the list.
Here’s my truth, I never even opened that bag. My birth included silence, lots of water, and then some tough moments. Afterward, I felt regretful, unsure, and kinda like I didn’t do it the “right” way. And that feeling still follows me - wanting to birth again just so I can experience the birth “journey.” I still wish for that “journey” moment even with two adorable, brilliant, and radical little humans running around.
When I became a doula, I saw a similar familiarity in clients of mine. In fact, one even planned all of the fun things and made them happen like candles, music, being in water, massage, etc. We even made sure to write down what song was playing when baby came earthside. It was a beautiful birth, yet that person really struggled with all that happened. I only saw incredible power and determination and love. And they felt failure.
Luckily, I was then blessed to witness a second birth by this person. Their approach was starkly different. There was no music, in fact, no sound. No candles, no journaling, even no touch. Instead of doing everything they were told to do, they simply just showed up as themselves.
This was an aha moment for me. It was beautiful to watch as they did everything they wanted to do, and needed to do, to bring their babe here. In fact, one of the first things they did after delivery was to announce that they didn’t feel like they failed this time around.
I was so happy for them but also felt deeply in my heart that no one should ever have to say that after birth.
What this person showed me in their birth, was that showing up as exactly as you, is pretty much all that you need. That’s it. This propelled them. And I’ve come to believe that deeply. Which also makes me believe that the whole notion of a pregnancy journey is bs.
Don’t get me wrong, I have to remind myself of this every time I feel pulled to birth again (just so I can do it at home or with no intervention or so I can actually hold my baby after they are born). There are always things that pull at us. But what I am learning, and want to make clear, is that the euphoric version of a birth “journey” is not, and cannot be, the gold standard.
So you just show up as yourself. Easy peasy. You’re good to go now, thanks for reading!
But really, what does showing up as yourself even mean? Here are a couple of points to consider:
Your muscles are not any stronger during labor and birth than they are in any other moment of your life.
Your power does not grow in labor. Your body can only do what it’s capable of.
All types of births are good births - c-sections, assisted births, and inductions are all births.
Interventions are resources when and if you need them.
Only your body can tell you, and us, what you need in birth.
I want to highlight this one again: the power that we witness with birth and feel with birth is already there. Conclusion…You already have everything you need to give birth - your body has the strength, knowledge, and wisdom to get it done.
But what if you don’t know what that showing up looks like? Here’s a quick exercise to help:
Take a moment to imagine a time when you felt pushed to the brink physically or emotionally - a time when you really needed your body and mind to pull you through. And it did. Take some time to really focus on this moment. Write about, or talk about it out loud and take notes of what you notice.
Now go deeper and consider what you needed in that moment. What do you need to feel? hear? smell? see? taste?
Do you need someone to hold you or do you not want touching? Does outside encouragement help or do you need to talk to yourself? Is there a scent that speaks to you or is there no smell at all? Who do you see, what do you see, or did you even open your eyes? Lastly, was there any nourishment that helped…like cool water, or sweets, or did the thought of anything in your mouth make you feel wretched?
This moment can give you some insight into how you show up. These are the details that can help you see beyond the birth “journey” and see the reality of what you’re capable of and what you inherently need to do it.
Now you can ask yourself, what birth vision is for you and only you?
That said, there is nothing wrong with still packing to the brim like I did. Because an induction can stall or run long and you may need entertainment. Or during post-partum, that journal might help you process. I am not saying don’t pack it.
But I am saying that when you honor your process, your body, and its innate wisdom, you show up as you. And you can have a just birth because it’s the birth for you and no one else.
Alright kick-ass friend, now it’s time to put your vision into place. So go write it down, tell a friend or partner or your doula, or heck even go shopping for what you need. This birth is yours alone and you’ve got this. Because you only need to show up as you to give birth.
