You Can Have a Gender-Free Pregnancy
Stranger: “Is your baby a boy or a girl?”
You: “???”
I don’t know what it is, but for whatever reason, being pregnant makes you seem like a specimen to be viewed, poked, prodded, and questioned. People think they can touch your body, ask you what you’re eating, and whether or not your baby has a penis or a vulva. Yup, because that’s what they’re really asking, right!?!
I’m assuming you’re here because you want something different. And that you know that gender does not equate to body parts. That gender is not established in kids until they are 3 to 4 years old.
But what we can learn right away is what the sex of the baby is. It used to be that you had to wait until the 20-week ultrasound, but now new genetic testing can tell you as early as 10-12 weeks.
Let’s be honest…the problem doesn’t lie in the actual knowledge of the sex of the baby. It’s society’s perspective on gender and how people treat others because of their gender (or perceived gender). The stranger in the grocery store doesn’t ask if your baby is a boy or a girl because they want to know what’s in that diaper. It’s because they want to know how to talk to them, and how to talk to you about them.
“Such a sweet baby. She’s beautiful. He’s so handsome. Look at those strong legs…”
When I was pregnant with my first, my spouse and I found out the sex but decided not to tell anyone. We eventually told a few family members but asked them to keep it to themselves. We planned to remove as much gendering as we could for our baby. We even gave her a gender-neutral name. But when it came time for a baby shower, the guests couldn’t handle not knowing. My mom was pestered by several of them, saying they didn’t know what to buy if they didn’t know.
This is not uncommon. We as humans like categories. And when something or someone goes about the “norm,” many folks feel confused or even angry and frustrated.
In the end, I gave in and let my mom share. But with a caveat. I wanted no gendered clothing or specific colors. Most did as requested and a few did not. Lucky for us, we were able to make choices based on what we received as to whether or not to return them, use them, or donate them. Not everyone has this choice.
Over the years, I have friends that have taken a different approach, raising their babies with no one knowing the body parts, and using they/them pronouns. I’ve had others just not make a big deal of it, not telling anyone. And others have used they and he or they and she as the pronouns used to describe their little one. There is really no answer to what is the “right” way.
Yet, you can still have a gender-free pregnancy and birth. And you can make that happen. Here are some simple ways to keep gender out:
Either don’t find out the sex, or if you do, only share with those who are respectful of your view on gendering (aka no gender reveals)
Stock up on gender-neutral clothing, or gendered clothes for both boys and girls
Use they/them pronouns when you speak about them
When someone asks you “what are you having?” consider what your answer is and in what setting. (“We’re having a baby” or “It’s a surprise” or “We don’t know”)
Put in your birth plan that you do not want the sex of the baby announced by anyone, and that you do not want to be asked
Keep the sex out of announcements
Give them a name that feels good to you…remember a name itself is not gendered, it’s us who gender the names
And finally, when someone asks you if your baby is a boy or girl, think of an answer that works for you
I’ve had friends that will explain that they are not sharing, or that they do not know yet, and are prepared to provide some education on gender. My partner and I chose to say “this is (insert name)”. Once a little person was asking my partner if our baby was a boy or a girl and he caved and just said “he has boy parts.”
But when it comes to all of this, what you want and value is what will help you ultimately make some decisions. Take some time with your partner(s) to reflect on what your values are around gender and how you want to raise this little babe. And talk about how you will push back on society’s expectations and stereotypes of gender. Make this work for you because you also need to be comfortable for your babe to see that gender is no big deal and that you will respect their gender no matter their age.
Stranger: “Is your baby a boy or a girl?”
You: “I don’t know, they haven’t shared with us yet.”
You’ve got this friend.
P.S. I love working with pregnant parents as they explore what this looks like for them. And I’d love to work with you too! Check out my coaching services and set up a time for us to chat!
